Okay, people. Jason is hot. DeAnna is freaking stupid. She could have had the beautiful, hot, stable, hot, safe, hot, romantic, hot, reliable, hot Jason. Plus he's kind of good looking. Instead she chose the shaggy headed, crooked nosed, pink shoe laced goober snow boarder Jesse.
WHAT?! Are you kidding me?!?!
Luckily for Jason I have been studying the home-town date footage and have pretty much narrowed down where his house is. Now I need to come up with a non-stalker explanation for why I'm standing on his doorstep wearing a wedding dress. Suggestions welcomed.
So me and Brooke are sitting in intense anticipation of some heartbreak during the finale. All is quiet in the house (except for me pausing the tv every five minutes to make some obnoxious comment about DeAnna's dress, or Jesse's obscenely crooked nose, or Jason's hot body...I can thank my mother for that endearing characteristic of mine. And when I say "endearing," I mean "I'm lucky Brooke hasn't stabbed me with the remote control," which doesn't seem like it would hurt...but it probably would. Think about it).
So, I'm eating some leftover breadsticks from Little Ceasar's, and Brooke is dipping some buttered toast in hot chocolate, despite the fact that it's literally been ONE THOUSAND degrees here. Literally. She makes some obnoxious comment about how my breadsticks smell like body funk, so we proceed to call them "Fart Sticks" the rest of the evening. *Warning: If you are mature, you might not belong here. Just a thought.*
So, I've got my Fart Sticks (which are delish, by the way) and Brooke's dipping her toast, and out of nowhere she makes this animal-like noise...like, from the throat...gluttoral? guttoral? I have no idea what I'm saying. But it's a weird noise. I look over and she's looking in horror at her toast, her face distorted with disgust. She starts to tell me that the butter...(gag)...smells like...(gag)...butt...(gag)...
She is literally dry heaving. Literally.
At this point I am curled in a tiny ball on the couch, trying not to pee my pants or choke on my Fart Sticks, which takes a lot of concentration. Especially since tears are streaming down my face because I'm laughing so hard.
Brooke is still dry heaving. It's pretty awesome.
We finally semi-compose ourselves, and Brooke makes this genius suggestion, "You have got to smell this."
Let's see. On my list of 5 things I want to do today are:
1. Get
salmonella from some rotten tomatos.
2. Jab a very sharp pencil way up my nose.
3. Eat tic tacs that this dude gave me (click to see it bigger if you can't read it):
4. Watch hours and hours of the Tyra Skanks show
5. Jury Duty
6. Take a big whiff of involuntary gag-inducing butter that smells like feet.
Oh darn! The butter sniffing didn't quite make the top 5...too bad.
Unfortunately, Brooke wasn't about to let me get away without experiencing the dry heaving pleasure she was privy to. So, she pinned me on the couch, and literally rubbed the nasty butter /slash/crap all over my face and up my nose. As if it's not disgusting enough to have butter smeared everywhere, the fact that it literally smelled like dead cat made it even less pleasant. Literally.
Seriously, words cannot express oh how awful twas the smell.
So there we were, both of us laughing, crying, and dry heaving at the same time. Oh, and trying not to choke on Fart Sticks. And it totally ruined the whole Bachelorette I'm a Stupid Immature Girl Who Thinks She's In Love thing.
But it was pretty freaking funny.
::Sigh of contentment::