Tuesday, July 8, 2008

My New Boyfriend (Bachelorette References Ahead)

Okay, people. Jason is hot. DeAnna is freaking stupid. She could have had the beautiful, hot, stable, hot, safe, hot, romantic, hot, reliable, hot Jason. Plus he's kind of good looking. Instead she chose the shaggy headed, crooked nosed, pink shoe laced goober snow boarder Jesse.

WHAT?! Are you kidding me?!?!

Luckily for Jason I have been studying the home-town date footage and have pretty much narrowed down where his house is. Now I need to come up with a non-stalker explanation for why I'm standing on his doorstep wearing a wedding dress. Suggestions welcomed.

So me and Brooke are sitting in intense anticipation of some heartbreak during the finale. All is quiet in the house (except for me pausing the tv every five minutes to make some obnoxious comment about DeAnna's dress, or Jesse's obscenely crooked nose, or Jason's hot body...I can thank my mother for that endearing characteristic of mine. And when I say "endearing," I mean "I'm lucky Brooke hasn't stabbed me with the remote control," which doesn't seem like it would hurt...but it probably would. Think about it).

So, I'm eating some leftover breadsticks from Little Ceasar's, and Brooke is dipping some buttered toast in hot chocolate, despite the fact that it's literally been ONE THOUSAND degrees here. Literally. She makes some obnoxious comment about how my breadsticks smell like body funk, so we proceed to call them "Fart Sticks" the rest of the evening. *Warning: If you are mature, you might not belong here. Just a thought.*

So, I've got my Fart Sticks (which are delish, by the way) and Brooke's dipping her toast, and out of nowhere she makes this animal-like noise...like, from the throat...gluttoral? guttoral? I have no idea what I'm saying. But it's a weird noise. I look over and she's looking in horror at her toast, her face distorted with disgust. She starts to tell me that the butter...(gag)...smells like...(gag)...butt...(gag)...

She is literally dry heaving. Literally.

At this point I am curled in a tiny ball on the couch, trying not to pee my pants or choke on my Fart Sticks, which takes a lot of concentration. Especially since tears are streaming down my face because I'm laughing so hard.

Brooke is still dry heaving. It's pretty awesome.

We finally semi-compose ourselves, and Brooke makes this genius suggestion, "You have got to smell this."

Let's see. On my list of 5 things I want to do today are:
1. Get salmonella from some rotten tomatos.
2. Jab a very sharp pencil way up my nose.
3. Eat tic tacs that this dude gave me (click to see it bigger if you can't read it):


4. Watch hours and hours of the Tyra Skanks show
5. Jury Duty
6. Take a big whiff of involuntary gag-inducing butter that smells like feet.


Oh darn! The butter sniffing didn't quite make the top 5...too bad.

Unfortunately, Brooke wasn't about to let me get away without experiencing the dry heaving pleasure she was privy to. So, she pinned me on the couch, and literally rubbed the nasty butter /slash/crap all over my face and up my nose. As if it's not disgusting enough to have butter smeared everywhere, the fact that it literally smelled like dead cat made it even less pleasant. Literally.

Seriously, words cannot express oh how awful twas the smell.

So there we were, both of us laughing, crying, and dry heaving at the same time. Oh, and trying not to choke on Fart Sticks. And it totally ruined the whole Bachelorette I'm a Stupid Immature Girl Who Thinks She's In Love thing.

But it was pretty freaking funny.
::Sigh of contentment::

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wanted Jeremy to step out of the last limo...

Amanda said...

ugghh, I know what you mean with DeAnna. HOW could she see forever with him. I LOVED Jason from the first episode. So sweet, loving, stable. Strangely enough I checked the last 3 bachelors Jeremy, Jason, and Jesse) so if you need that address just let me know!! =)

The Yeamans said...

Ok, I will actually agree with your "I'm a Stupid Immature Girl Who Thinks She's In Love thing" comment even though I have an unhealthy obsession with the Bachelor/Bachelorette and at the end of each finale I truly in my heart believe it's going to work out for them as I wipe away tears of joy from the beauty that was the awkwardly scripted, completely unoriginal, televised proposal. (I even believe that Matt and Shayne are going to make it work...that's how bad it is...monkey).
Lance has had to endure far too many smacks to the chest every time he mentions that just maybe I should take notice how contrived this show really is. The fact that for the past 8 weeks he has had to listen to me talk about my "new boyfriend" Jeremy and how much I love him doesn't help either...
‘DeAnna is freaking stupid. She could have had the beautiful, hot, stable, hot, safe, hot, romantic, hot, reliable, hot’ JEREMY…but now we all know she doesn’t deserve him or Jason for the matter!
By the way Nikki...you may want to get your bags packed…I would be willing to put money on Jason being the next Bachelor (or one in the near future). I can already feel the tears welling up inside for what is to be your awkwardly scripted, completely unoriginal, televised proposal.

Nikki said...

Okay, you Jeremy lovers. I loved Jeremy too for a while. And I was SHOCKED when she sent him home. But the way he reacted to being cut really made me not like him as much. He was sort of a baby about it. And he acted like he was being gracious, while really pouring salt in the wound. For example, he said, "This very well may be one of the worst days I've ever had." That's saying a lot considering both of his parents have passed away. Can we say, MELODRAMATIC?! Come on, he turned out to be a baby. After that episode when he got sent home my opinion of him totally changed. Jason...he's the man. He's MY MAN! BACK OFF, LADIES!!

Kristina said...

I agree with you. Jeremy is kind of a tool. He's all fake and weird and WAY melodramatic. Although not too shabby on the eyes, fo real.

Jason is so smokin and perfect. They seriously are perfect together she is SO retarded.

I did the "curled in a ball trying not to pee" dance last night too - want to hear?

All of us are sitting in anticipation of who is the first guy out of the limo. (Which, by that time, is way later than the time everyone else watches it because mom was pausing it and rewinding it every two seconds to make an annoying comment.)

And calee's like ITS JASON! And suddenly mom turns into a banshee and pauses it and screams the loudest most devilish scream I've ever heard for like 2 minutes straight. And me and calee can't even breathe we're laughing so hard. Mom would stop to take a breath and then keep screaming.

Seriously, if I could imagine what a posessed person would sound like, it would be that. My face was wet from laughing and my bum was wet from peeing and calee was in a ball making her little snorty laughy sounds.

And for that, I am grateful to Deanna for being a complete MORON and picking Jesse. Funniest bachelor experience ever.

Nikki said...

AHAHAHA!! Kristina! Oh my gosh. That is funny. What is even more funny is that last night, all over the world (err..the state of California) Schroeder females were snorting, laughing, squeaming, and peeing their pants. Just another day in the life of the schroeders. i wish we were all together. :(

S & K said...

I don't know if I can say this without getting attacked, BUT I LOVED JESSE, and from the start. I love that he is just himself, doesn't really care what craziness is going on around him. And come on he waited SOOOO long to kiss, her and you have to admit that is pretty sweet!! I think I get way to emotionally involved with this show, but I think she made the right choice!!!!! As much as I DID love Jason, (by the way HATED Jeremy, what a freaking TOOL!!! and such a dork, and NO he is NOT NOT CUTE, cut of his head and that's not bad, but the face and the nose that looks like it fell off and was just half way mushed back on!! NO GO! –I will say that Jesse’s is not the best either! Just to be fair in my bashing!) back to where I was.... I think cute little Jason just WANTED too badly to fall in love again, and it was a contrived situation for him to "think/feel" like he was --of course that is the whole basis of the show---but he was "fooled" into thinking he was because Deanna is a nice enough girl with a lot going for her, but my Nikki, I think you should totally look him up, convert him and marry him! :) Don't forget the convert part! HAHA so that's really ALL of my opinions for today! But I will say I'm a sucker for long hair---hence I married a man who had LONG GORGIOUS SEXY hair when I met him and I want so BADLY for him to grow it back out!!!!! Also Jesse did totally remind me of Scott in quite of few ways, so I may be a little biased after all! But I DO believe they are going to make it!!! Hahaha I love reality TV, it just the best to think its going to work! That is e.n.o.u.g.h. from me to day! I’m OUT! :)

Nikki said...

haha, Kami, I love you. And, I'll admit, I do like Jesse. I loved that he waited so long to kiss her, and he was definitely just being himself. And I got a good vibe from him. I just didn't think he was mature enough to get married. But hey, I was 22 so I guess I don't have a lot of room. Plus, I felt a little soft spot in my heart for the single dad, for some weird reason :). And, I can TOTALLY see how Jesse would remind you of Scott! Haha, so funny now that you mention that! No wonder you loved Jesse! When I watched the after show (love shayne and matt, p.s.) I thought Jesse and DeAnna were cute together, I'll give em that. Good for them. And I thought Jason was even MORE awesome after that show. Flirt to convert, people. It's been done before :) haha.

Tierra Lowry said...

I am with you all the way. I was so mad when she picked Jesse. It was against everything that she said she wanted. I think they should pick Jason as the next Bachelor.

By-the-way, you are hilarious. I wish I could write like you. You make such a crazy experience even funnier.

Ashley said...

That is hilarious! I've been SO excited for Monday nights all season of this show, even though I watched them alone on my couch and haven't had ANYONE to talk to them about. I was SO sure she was going to pick Jason! And before that I loved Jeremy too. Jeremy was still the hottest! I still like Jesse and think he's a cool guy, but I am amazed she ended up with him. I definitely didn't see it coming! And like I was telling you, I live about 15 minutes from Kirkland, where Jason lives, so you could come for a visit and go cheer him up! :)

Your blog is really great, I love reading all your funny stories and everything you write!

THE HAGES said...

OK if I was single right now I would be wondering through the streets of Washington trying to find Jason too! Deanna is a freakin idiot! Whatever, I hope she is happy. Oh and that crap about her and Jesse and Jason being friends for a long time, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! Who wants to see the girl you wanted to marry all suck face with another guy. Jason is not stupid Deanna! You are! Anyway Nikki, thanks for allowing me to vent! Oh and the fart stick thing is so something my family would have done! LOL! Heidi

brookebaby said...

there literally are tears in my eyes right now from laughing at this post.


"i am literally on a roller coaster in hell."- thanks for making Americans Stupider, britney spears.

Kristina said...

Not to be too completely stalkery or anything, but his name is Jason Mesnick and he has facebook.

Nikki Mesnick..? I don't know.

Neese Family said...

Nikki when she didn't choose Jason I totally thought of you and thought, "She could share the gospel and then marry him. They would have the cutest family ever!" You crack me up! I really liked Jason from the beginning and I liked Jesse I just didn't think he had a life plan, and if Dee wants 3 kids by the time she is 30 and she is 26 now and getting married in a year then she had better choose a man with a life plan! Oh well, I guess they will work it out.

The Yeamans said...

I do agree that Jeremy was a bit melodramatic with the whole "worst day of my life" speech, but I think DeAnna deserved getting a little salt tossed in those wounds. I mean if I had to hear her say one more time that she never wanted to do what Brad did to her I literally would have thrown sharp objects at the TV.
No one can deny Jeremy's hotness...did you see him without a shirt!

Oh, and just because I need to relive it one more time...
"Monkey, will you marry me?" I love them! :)

Anonymous said...

Ugh...

I feel like I need to go wash myself after reading all these posts! Ha ha!

gekane said...

Nikki!!! Oh my you are hilarious! I love reading your blog along with the other 3000+ people! I know I was ticked when she picked Jesse too! Jeremy was actually my fav. But Jason was my second fav. Anyway she is weird.

Nikki said...

haha...oh, i love blogs. And how is it possible that none of you made ANY comments about the hamster poop tic tacs? haha. That was one of my favorite parts.

The Morgans said...

Ok, so we totally had a bachelorette party and watched all 3 hours of it, thank you Tivo. Anyways, I picked Jason from the beginning and I was pretty shocked when she went for Jessie but he was a friend first so that should count for something-right?! Check out this, http://www.deannaandjesse.com/
Gag me now...but they really do look happy if you want to relocate every season...

Julia said...

Oh my gosh! Who cares about The Bachelor after reading the rest of the post!! That hamster poo was hilarious! I am cracking up right now. It's 3:00 a.m. and my husband is snoring away next to me and I am laughing so hard! Practically snorting. I almost peed my pants. (After having 10 kids that's really not hard to do though) I can't believe everyone talked about the bachelor and not much about how hysterical this post was!! Oh thank you! That was the funniest thing I have EVER read on a blog! The whole thing sounds like something my sisters and I would do. I should email you and tell you the story about how I peed my pants during family prayer due to farting! (Although in my defense, I was pregnant)

Julia Kelly said...

I have no idea how i missed this post, but holy crap! This was the FUNNIEST post ever written. How was that for a bold statement.

Fart Sticks?? haha. I was laughing so frickening hard.

Nikki said...

MY TWO JULIAS!! haha! I love that you are the only two that commented on the parts of this post that are NOT about the bachelor! I was surprised more people didn't do that. I'm honored to recieve the "Funniest Post Ever Written" award from both of you. haha. Ahhh...hamster poo and fart sticks...gets me every time... :)

Nikki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Fishers said...

I know this is way late... but keep an eye out for "Bachelor" casting calls. I wouldn't be too surprised if he ends up being the next Bachelor. As you two announce your engagement, you could be promoting your book... just saying:)
I thought Jeremy was a nut bag from the beginning.